What Makes a Family?

With the arrival of the holiday season comes a time when more emphasis is placed on the family…gatherings bring seldom-seen relatives together, and people seem more interested in the connections that bind a family…however traditional or untraditional it may be.

A few nights ago, my wife Ellen and I were discussing what the future might hold for our family. My side of the family nearly all lives out of the area, and none of my five siblings have children. Ellen’s brother and step-father both passed away within the last couple of years and other family members have chosen to maintain a certain distance. One of our sons had made the comment that our family seemed to be shrinking. Indeed, we had decided to expand our Thanksgiving table by inviting our friends the Levins, whose three daughters and parents would double the number of our Thanksgiving gathering.

But this past Sunday, a remarkable thing happened that served to remind us that families can take all sorts of forms, if one is open to the possibilities.

Several months ago, we received a call from a social worker, who told us about two children who were younger siblings of our own two adopted sons, Miles and Tyler, of whom we had had no prior knowledge. “Anton” and “Holly” were interested in meeting their brothers, and wondered if an opportunity to meet could be set up between all of us. The social worker met with our children, who are 21 and 20, and a lunch was set up at a restaurant where we joined a group which included Anton, 15, Holly, 13, Mary (sister to our boys’ birth mother) her daughter Mariah (the boys’ cousin) and the birth mother’s mom, Maureen, who is Anton and Holly’s grandmother, and who is raising Holly. The boys’ birth mother’s absence was the “elephant in the room.” She has been out of touch with her sister and the children, and it was apparent that her children missed their mom, but the warmth of Mary and Maureen made us feel instantly comfortable with them. Maureen mentioned that two of the happiest days of her life were the days that her daughter gave Miles and later, Tyler to our family to adopt. Anton and Holly had been less fortunate…they had been placed in foster homes and were struggling to find their place in the world. But on this day, everyone seemed to enjoy discovering new people who could rightfully be considered part of their family. If someone had suggested to us twenty years ago that such a meeting might happen, the thought would have been a bit unnerving, but the genuine sense of connection we all felt, made it a wonderful gift.

It was far too soon to think of including them on Thanksgiving, and our plans had already been made, but at this time of year, it did give us something special for which we could be grateful. And in terms of what makes up a family, sometimes when one door closes, another one opens.